moments.

If i am able to easily remember the bad then I must try hard to remember the great ones.... They are true beautiful moments that should not be forgotten. I love photos to remember... I love these times. These are the times that should bring you back to when life isnt always so hard. And life can be worth your wild.

My friend Jeremiah who killed himself had great memories but lost them. He was unable to realize that It will and can indeed get better. Those hard times are life long experiences that should never be forgotten but able to make us stronger. I miss you and love you. Where ever you are....

I still make my peanut butter and jelly with the peanut butter one BOTH sides..... because it does taste better and for sure makes it last longer....

When I listen to Jawbreaker or queens of the stone age... you are always in my thoughts. I get sad over stupid little shit... but I promise you I will last long enough to tell people you were a great one.

ouch

my heart is in my throat.... i keep trying to swallow it down but it keeps getting closer to completely falling out. my voice is shot and my eyes are carrying heavy luggage. each breath i take is taken for granted.

remember you're alive. remember to breathe hard. remember who you are. remember who you have. remember nothing is perfect...

I cant be too loud. I cant be too quiet. I cant get my feelings hurt..... my mind is so intense. its so judgmental on every little superficial thing I can come up with. how does one sleep? its doesnt even make sense........ just like my scattered brain.

blah.

writings...

bittersweet

rape your mind of intelligence then ask for my forgiveness... alcohol kills people.... thrillin' the lives of our generation...he's got something but she's going no where... so what the fuck is gonna help us out? medication...someone's voice.... yeah believe. we're gonna turn into new found believing criminals

here to teach your young ones.

love us... hate us.... make me the president.



oblivious, you.


Eye opening minds make others bleed.


turn that frown upside down!!!


structure, life and fun.... live life without fear and remembrance of what is real.


will it make us smarter by learning from mistakes or will we end up on the corner holding a sign to hopefully get 25 cents. what makes sense. isnt always correct. perhaps holding that sign was the smart move. feeding off the rich or a nice person who might have less than....but still willing to give in. what's the right choice. we are who we are. we are indeed human beings. looking and feeding and willing to always change. so quickly. so uncaring. we are.... who we are. we are just a simple minded.... lack of interest. lack of caring... give me more. give me something. make ME happy.



im sitting here so still and yet my mind is moving like waves in the ocean... what can i do next. what do i have to do to be able to breathe without thinking.... thinking... am i in control?


no, cant you see.. its you who is crazy. hahahaha


i said life in the fast lane but seriously.... i cant believe everything that's happened to me has been in fucking 7 days. im bleeding from the inside. my ribs are poking out and i feel extremely full. most likely full of anger. i woke up today and i felt like i never went to sleep. my legs are barely moving. i just need another drink of water and i'll be fine.

i'm breathing through a strawl when all i would have to do is take it out and open my mouth. being told i love you when i dont have a clue as to what the fuck their name was. hey, I LOVE YOU TOO. ANYTHING YA NEED. IM HERE. IM HERE. IM HERE. rock study. rock pile. pile of shit. kill me.



i love you. mwah!


so keen.

emotions so up and down... thrills so black and white. drink more to feel less. live life to feel more.

he said, life without you is impossible. only jack can take away my sorrows. happiness doesnt exist. im just an average kid.

maybe if i tell her it's her fault i wont feel bad for destroying what i once believed in.

possibly im just a kid still learning and not ready to fucking give in.


life in the fast lane....


if im doing it for the right reasons i cant be stopped. the smell brings back a lot of memories but not to where i'd ever live that life again. tears poured from my eyes yesterday morning with news that could possibly end up with me in ashes but not today. not now. and not tomorrow.

today i will read to a blooming flower. his eyes eager to steal knowledge and never even know it. tonight i will sell my soul to the devil in hopes for a better life and smiles from my young blood.

here i am. im ready. change is on its way.


you you and you

I was given the chain to hold but the links felt thin. I'm lost and feel like if I try to express myself the ship may sink. I had no intentions to ever make it seem like I was glued to this. More so making it unstoppable and stronger in time. I don't mind only being able to only share the light of the moon. I dont mind only having to hear your voice and look at your silly pictures.... because in the end you'll be near.


sigh....

eyes are burning but fuck it, lack of sleep hasn't stopped me before. the warmth in my blood keeps me awake.... succeeding is my goal. haters have been larking at night more than ever. so tonight i'll be a ninja. jumping to each need without a care in the world. my beautiful flower is now asleep... i hope his dreams tonight wake him up tomorrow with happiness.

as the sun disappears the heat grows stronger. my hands start to sweat and my brain almost feels dysfunctional. i probably need some fresh air.... god, tonight will you help me... i'm all alone and they're thirsty.


seek and destroy

i thought it was feather weight and it ended up being more like a boulder. heavier, but can be caught. i have faith in myself. i've been working these arms and i've got him on my side. i felt disappointed but it'll work out. so many new faces and needs. it's amazing how broke someone can be and in a couple minutes later have more money on them than i do.

i'm sorry for making you worried. tonight i shall conquer.

not that far....

he's miles upon miles away and yet we're able to share the light of the moon. i listen carefully for another heart beat but know i have only mine to depend on. he said 4 eyes 2 moons 1 heart. not a better way to put that. i miss his touch. each day goes by i listen to a little bit of wisedom he pours onto me. more knowledge to gain, more trust to build, bigger bonds will make a bigger heart. dont let time steal this love. each night he sings to smiling faces. sweat drips into they're eyes but they dont care, they love him. but not like how i love him. his brown eyes never tell lies. it's hard to deny the obvious. we have something that's like a storybook, he says. it's true. im bonnie and he's clyde.... or maybe it's romeo and juilette. either way, it's amazing and i wouldnt trade it in for anything. i'm wrecked irreplaceable and high off this love.
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10 more to go....


I woke up to his voice.... It had been a while since I was able to wake up with such ease. Heads pounding but I'm ready to go. Today I have to go get help from the government. I'm taking anything I can get right now. J has become so independent... He has to walk up the stairs with no ones help! NO ONE! Once we've reached the top he's asking for me to hold him. Which to me is awesome... I know he still needs me. Every time he gets sleepy he twirls his hair around his fingers and I see a little tiny baby again. The energy he has is so powerful. It will light up my whole day and keep me going through the night.

He's sleeping... now would be the perfect time to do the same but instead I'll relax and think about the evening that awaits.